the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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