Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
