Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.