dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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