Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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