I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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