My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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