I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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