last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
