you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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