If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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