Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
