i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
