Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
