im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
