Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
