There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
