Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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