I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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