Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
