do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
