that's an acceptable place to lick
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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