I'd wear matching sweaters with you
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
