Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
