fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
