I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
