You made me cry and you don't even care
I looked at my own cervix.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
