my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
