From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
