i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
