Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You were trust falling into bushes
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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