Please, let me fuck your mom
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
