Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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