I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think my moral compass just broke
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
