I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
