it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
