Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
