i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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