I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
