yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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