He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
