And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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