Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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