I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
