i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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