wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
