I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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