apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
