I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
