I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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