DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I look better un-naked...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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