I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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