Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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