I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
