Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night