Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
