My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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