I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
