remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Drunk walkin through police station. America
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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