I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
